What is this? 

December already?

How can it be?

Alas, the calendar speaks nothing but truth for the 12th month of the year is already in its 4th day. I shall not lament about how time zooms by like a laser beam and leaves us so ever mercilessly.

I am merely here to bid hello, for I have been gone for far too long. I am here to say that things are going well, as well as change, nerves and pressure can be.

To say my procrastination is dragging me down is an understatement, I'm more like buried six feet deep and tied to something dark and heavy. I am worried, in a sort of back of my mind kinda way. Or perhaps I am just running away (ironically) because I think the answer will crush me, as it has before. I am not sure how to deal with it, the last time it happened, I somehow (Thank God) got a life jacket while drowning in my own tears. Not sure it's gonna happen this time again, actually no, don't want it to even be an option. It can't happen again. This struggle annoys the hell out of me. Urgh.

Okay, back to December and all the bright shiny things it has to offer. Looking forward to next week's escapade and Christmas! How can I be down when Christmas is just around?

This past 11 months have been a ride of new beginnings, new endings, new opportunities and new love. If 2013 was crazy, this year has been crazier (but like in a much better less-heartbreaking way).

I guess a review post will come up some time later, probably after the curse of my thesis(!) has lifted. Oh, this burden is damn heavy to carry.

Let's keep things positive yes?

 One more day to Friday! We can do it!

xoxo

And I'll write your name

I've decided I need to get my writing bug on or I'll never do well in my new job that's starting next month. This year has been filled with many changes, transformations and revelations but I'll talk about that next time around. Instead, I'll start with my to-go list, a list of places I want to visit in the near future (fingers crossed).

1. South Korea

Yes, I know I've been there but it just wasn't enough. There are so many more places to explore! And I really want to do it to my heart's content. Both the city and the countryside of South Korea are so beautiful in their ways and there's just so many things I haven't experienced there yet. Of course, the trip is made much easier because I understand their language. Heeh.

2. Scotland

Now that I've got a friend who is studying there, I have renewed my desire to visit Scotland. Perhaps I am enchanted by the stories that I've read but even in books, its been described so magnificently that I want to have the opportunity to witness it myself. What with the castles, the folklores and the rolling green as far as the eye can see, I'm sure I will enjoy myself.

3. Australia

Before this, its not that I didn't want to go but it felt so overrated because everyone was going there and I guess I like to swim against the current so much that I scoff at the idea of visiting Australia. I've changed my mind now for a simple reason, I've got friends there (one actually but yay?) and yea, I should pay the place a visit.

4. Japan

I'll be going to Japan next year, so that's going to be a fun trip. I'm really looking forward to it because I'd have handed up my thesis by then. Yes, freedom! 

Not supposed to be on my to-go list since I'll be going but this is a good excuse to do some research on it. I'll be visiting Nagoya, Takayama and Shirakawa-go.

This is Takayama and its famous for its thatch houses. Not sure if I'll be staying in one but so cute!

Shirakawa-go is a historic village with more thatch houses! YAY! Do I or do I not sound sarcastic? But I am really looking forward to going despite it being winter. D:

There is also some plan in the next 2-3 years to go to US as one of my friends is there. Gotta make me some money first though.

This is about it for now. Have a great weekend ahead!

This was written on 24th November 2010, titled 'love', it was obviously written about first bf. Was going through my stuff and found this and thought I'd share. Not because I wrote really well or to reminisce really but because this was what I knew about love, what I believed about love, what I wanted from love. Looking back, I wish I could say I have learned, that I have grown but I sit here now and wonder, did I? But I was so brave back then whereas now, I'm scared as shit. It's funny how things turn out.

***

I don’t know how to tell you what I feel or how I know this is love. I don’t know how to explain with words what I see in my head and what I feel in my heart.

It’s a blank. But it’s white, not black; an overwhelm of sensations, something I've never anticipated. You came into my life too sudden for me to comprehend that love could be so easy. That it’s right in front of me and I am apprehensive. Who wouldn't be?

You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You make me want to kiss you.

Like lyrics to a song only I know, I want to write you out. If they ask me why, what do I say?

Do I tell them you’re the other half of the puzzle that fits me? Do I say you make me happy like no one has ever before, not even kpop? That you’re tangible, that you’re someone who understands and accepts me as I am. That you are  someone I can see myself with  for the years to come, that if we are to get married now, I wouldn’t hesitate (okay, this is a bit too much but yea), that this must be love because there is no other way.

When I used to write, poems, fics, all were stemmed from pain. Pain and hurt that I know and feel.

I know no words now because there is no pain or hurt for me to feel. What do you want me to say? What could I write?

Edit// Added on 3rd June 2011

and now I've felt too much. Too much pain, too much hurt, too much expectations, too much of wanting something that is perfect yet knowing it can’t be. And I learn. I learn that love can be beautiful, that it can make you happy but more than that, I learn that the pain, the disappointments, the desires, the requirements of love is beyond that. It is beyond the pretty and the nice, it is beyond the fantasy and the fairy tale. 

It is the reality of two people coming together and attempting to be as one. It is the struggle of two individuals with their respective personalities, goals and expectations to find a place where they can stand together and hold hands and kiss. And when these two people find that place, that common ground where their differences are either resolved or agreed to be disagreed on, that is where they will last, that is where the future begins; a future where their joy and comfort and sadness are caused by each other.

Because this is love, because this is real, I work towards it, not away. Where I would use to run from; now I approach. Yes, it is difficult; the journey is weathered with tears and mostly tears of hurt, tears of doubts and tears of fear. But I stand strong (although sometimes with shaking knees), knowing this love is worth fighting for, worth crying for, worth facing my deepest fears for, worth stepping out for.

You, my dear are so precious. I have been asked why is it that you’re the one I love. And I wonder why it is. But I cannot find the answer, all I know is what I feel and I feel that you are right. Feelings might fade; they do most of the time. 

My love for you won’t.

***

Was I naive or what? The thing is, I think I still am.

the past three months has been fulfilling, enlightening, and busy. it was a time where not only did I step way out of my comfort zone, it was also a time where to quote Pei Li (my internship supervisor) I was stretched, where my heart was opened up for viewing, where my thoughts were made available to others, where every step I took was to myself.

I do feel that ever since the internship, this box in me that I have kept secret and hidden has been opened wide. as much as its a good thing that I am learning to be true to my feelings, to be congruent with my emotions, there was a reason why hid I all them in a box and shove it to some dark corner in the first place. oh well. what else to do but to go with the flow.

there has been one thing that has been consistently causing chaos in my brain. its driving me crazy, driving me to do weird things, driving me to want too much. I've been finding ways to combat it but there is only one solution really; time. if time is a person, I want to strangle him/her.

sigh.
 

Something changes the moment you decide you've found a person you are ready to reveal parts of your soul to. Something stands out and makes the moment unique. A profound multidimensional clarity resembling a piece of carefully gathered stardust; As if you are whispering “finally” and your eyes fill with light and spontaneity. As if you do not care whether your heart will melt or crumble in the process because your brief courage undoes your tremendous fear of disbelief. You live for these moments; For you are, maybe for one second or more, sweetly forced to surrender yourself to unconditional intimacy. A moment of psychological reward smashing all self-imposed disciplines founded on terror. This is all you need.

- Anais Nin 

i have been away for a while, haven't i? i do apologize. there have been updates over on the Korean blog. so do check it out. ^^

last weekend was spent in Gyeongju on Saturday.

and on Sunday, we went shopping in Nampodong.

this update isn't much but i'm too hungry to make up proper sentences.

just be informed that i am speaking English like a Korean, Chinese like a Chinese and Korean like a foreigner. :/ its getting super cold now, it can be around 6 degrees at night and this is just the beginning. people are saying that it might snow in Jan or Feb if it continues to get colder. i'm having mixed feelings about the snow.

went to a pub/club last night. the partying scene here is interesting, to say the least. i think i much prefer Msian's style but one thing is true, Koreans are really good at partying.

other than that, i've got a presentation for my Korean History class coming up and planning for Cultural Day needs to start soon too.

i've got to head to bed. goodnight and God bless! (:

i've had this in my draft for a few weeks now. once in a while, i would get reminded of this and think about what to write.

and i concluded that there really is nothing i can tell my 10 year old self. not that there are no mistakes or regrets that i wish to erase or correct, trust me, there are tons of them. but i've never been the kind to dwell.

if there is one thing, it'd be tell my ten year old self to be less fearful, to step out more and be involved in different things. this is what youth is for, experiencing and experimenting.

on another note, i got accepted to participate in the student exchange program to Korea. :D see you guys in Korea soon!

because its trending on Twitter right now.

1. New earphones

2. New flats

3. Jeans shorts

4. My old blanket back 

5. Hamster(s)

6. The ability to save money D:

7. Nail polish

8. Live in Korea (not just a vacation, but actually live and work there for a while)

9. Etude House Perfume Stick

10. Get drunk on my 21st birthday (I should get drunk at least once in my life right?)

11. A new phone, preferably Iphone

12. Loudspeakers

13. Being able to drive


14. More books to read (good books that make you feel and think and wonder and want)


15. More time!


16. RM588 tickets for Big Bang


17. New laptop


18. To be happy, satisfied, successful and somehow, impact change with my life


List is not in order of what i want the most. If it is, it would start off with the RM588 Big Bang concert tickets, then the headphones, loudspeakers, bla bla bla. :p

the letter to self that Ms Grace had us write on my first week of semester was returned to me today.

i believe this is the first time that so many many things have changed within a time frame of about three months in my life thus far. 3 months before and now are just two totally different era. 

actually only one thing changed; my relationship status. but it has made all (most) the difference in the world.

according to my letter:

- i have not only not stressed out a couple of times, i've actually had considerably less stress compared to previous semesters

- i have not gotten into horrible arguments with the now ex-bf

- and i've only clubbed once (now, this is a disappointment. :/)

- i have not cried or be angry about anything except the calls

- i have grown with God

- i have learned from mistakes (baby steps)

- i have build relationships/friendships

- definitely lulled a few babies to sleep

- and more than generally enjoyed my time than suffer through them

- might have gotten better at loving people? (work in progress)

all in all, i have exceeded the expectations on my letter in a real good way. (:

this is where I'm supposed to be.

like a flower pressed into the pages of a book; always between the stories but never in them.

May's to do list is surprisingly short. hm.

books to read during mid-sem break. its gonna be a good break!

on another note, the past weekend has been eventful. it involved me being in a hospital, attending a funeral and eating pears.

the hospital trip was scary. i was faint-ish and had terrible pain in my stomach but all the doctor prescribed was panadol. thank God for friends though. but apologetic too cus i spoiled the outing we were supposed to have. thanks, Jian Ai, Weng Kit & Jia Wei! (:

on Sunday, it was Destiny's funeral. it was sad. ): but the most ironic thing was that i was serving in the nursery during the funeral and its so hard to grief for Destiny when you're surrounded by babies who demanded your attention and happier-than-grief mood. it was also inevitable that i felt tickled or smiled because of their antics. it was a room full of happy (mostly) babies who's gonna have a wonderful future and we were separated by only a door; on the other side where they were bidding farewell to 3 day old warrior princess. sigh.

once again, i learn that life has to be embraced fully. don't want no regrets.

you're with Daddy in heaven. rest now, Destiny.

its been a while since i started serving in the nursery. at first, i would leave the nursery after serving not wanting to go back again. i felt like a fish out of water because i didn't know how to take care of the babies and also because my heart wasn't really in it. but there was a service in church that really struck me and i prayed that i would enjoy serving, enjoy doing it for God. well, ever since then, i've always looked forward to the weekends i get to go in and see the babies. ^^

its not just because i want to serve God that i look forward to being in the nursery but because to see them smile is the simplest yet one of the greatest joy i've ever felt. you make a funny face or say some gibberish words and they'll laugh and smile at you. how simple is that happiness! although of course, i'm not successful all the time but its definitely rewarding each time you see a baby smile. (: they're beautiful even when they sleep too (but that may be due to relief of not having to deal with their crying).

i'm still quite young but i feel like my maternal instincts have kicked in ever since i started and i would look at babies in malls or anywhere else and wish that i have my own. :D i know its difficult to raise one (its difficult to even take care of them for 2 hours) but can you imagine the joy and happiness when you hold your very own baby in your arms? i'd imagine it'd feel pretty wonderful.

these babies have taught me a lot too. how to be patient, how to be persistent, how to be tired and still take care of them, how to handle their tantrums, how to change their diapers and prepare their milk. how to let go of myself and go to their level of simplicity and naivety. i hope this will groom me to be a good mum. heeeeh.

anyway, this is just a random thought i had since i saw these pictures on FB.

goodnight, everyone. (: God bless!

may you have the opportunities to feel this simple joys!