Monday, September 08, 2014
This was written on 24th November 2010, titled 'love', it was obviously written about first bf. Was going through my stuff and found this and thought I'd share. Not because I wrote really well or to reminisce really but because this was what I knew about love, what I believed about love, what I wanted from love. Looking back, I wish I could say I have learned, that I have grown but I sit here now and wonder, did I? But I was so brave back then whereas now, I'm scared as shit. It's funny how things turn out.
I don’t know how to tell you what I feel or how I know this is love. I don’t know how to explain with words what I see in my head and what I feel in my heart.
It’s a blank. But it’s white, not black; an overwhelm of sensations, something I've never anticipated. You came into my life too sudden for me to comprehend that love could be so easy. That it’s right in front of me and I am apprehensive. Who wouldn't be?
You make me smile. You make me laugh. You make me cry. You make me want to kiss you.
Like lyrics to a song only I know, I want to write you out. If they ask me why, what do I say?
Do I tell them you’re the other half of the puzzle that fits me? Do I say you make me happy like no one has ever before, not even kpop? That you’re tangible, that you’re someone who understands and accepts me as I am. That you are someone I can see myself with for the years to come, that if we are to get married now, I wouldn’t hesitate (okay, this is a bit too much but yea), that this must be love because there is no other way.
When I used to write, poems, fics, all were stemmed from pain. Pain and hurt that I know and feel.
I know no words now because there is no pain or hurt for me to feel. What do you want me to say? What could I write?
Edit// Added on 3rd June 2011
and now I've felt too much. Too much pain, too much hurt, too much expectations, too much of wanting something that is perfect yet knowing it can’t be. And I learn. I learn that love can be beautiful, that it can make you happy but more than that, I learn that the pain, the disappointments, the desires, the requirements of love is beyond that. It is beyond the pretty and the nice, it is beyond the fantasy and the fairy tale.
It is the reality of two people coming together and attempting to be as one. It is the struggle of two individuals with their respective personalities, goals and expectations to find a place where they can stand together and hold hands and kiss. And when these two people find that place, that common ground where their differences are either resolved or agreed to be disagreed on, that is where they will last, that is where the future begins; a future where their joy and comfort and sadness are caused by each other.
Because this is love, because this is real, I work towards it, not away. Where I would use to run from; now I approach. Yes, it is difficult; the journey is weathered with tears and mostly tears of hurt, tears of doubts and tears of fear. But I stand strong (although sometimes with shaking knees), knowing this love is worth fighting for, worth crying for, worth facing my deepest fears for, worth stepping out for.
You, my dear are so precious. I have been asked why is it that you’re the one I love. And I wonder why it is. But I cannot find the answer, all I know is what I feel and I feel that you are right. Feelings might fade; they do most of the time.
My love for you won’t.
Was I naive or what? The thing is, I think I still am.